April 29:
I started this post a while ago. Like, in January. I thought I saved it, but it has disappeared. The title comes from my feelings. It's the end of April now. I don't quite feel all of these things now. Let's go in order of the emotions listed in the title.
Longing - This one is HUGE, and I still very much have this emotion. This one started probably in July 2011. Claire had not yet been born, but I was itching for her to get here, and I was starting to itch for her to have a cousin. Aaron was nowhere close to where I was in feeling ready to have children. He was good with the way our life was already going. We have a dog, a cat, and a house that always has a project. What else could we want?? I could want a baby. And I still do. I can't wait for this one day.
Fear - The fear I've had has subsided some. Mostly, the fear has been that my body will not work the way it is supposed to, or that this will be a long process with a lot of disappointment. Some of that fear has gone away because my body seems to be working like normal - something I was so very unsure about!
Impatience - Impatience goes in waves for me. I was impatient for March to arrive, because March meant that I would no longer be taking my pill. I've been taking it for four years. I started taking it because of a pituitary tumor that released too much of a hormone called prolactin. The pill regulated the release of the prolactin. Sometimes I'm impatient for the day I have a baby, but some days I feel peace in knowing that God has a perfect plan, and no amount of my impatience will change His plan.
Hope - Hope is my strongest emotion in all of this. I constantly have hope - that my body works the right way, that one day I will have a baby, that all will be okay. I think this one is surprisingly easy for me too. I crave control in so many aspects of my life - it might be to a little bit of an unhealthy degree that I crave the control. However, in this, I know that I am out of control. I can have hope, and I can pray, but ultimately, God has the control here. I take rest in knowing that He knows what He is doing, and He knows what is best for Aaron and me.
May 20:
Another month has gone by... and nothing new. I'll just keep praying, and hoping, and waiting.
June 17:
I'm not gonna lie. I'm kind of getting tired of the waiting. And, I think Aaron is too. Which makes me really excited. Today was Father's Day. We went to lunch with my parents and Aaron's parents. Adelina and Reed have been out of town, and they got back tonight. My parents had Claire, so I had the joy of spending time with her too. I fed her lunch, and Aaron told me that he thought I would make a great mom. Joy. And complete impatience. Aaron gets more excited each time he sees Claire. She has a great little personality, and he loves that about her. More joy. I. Can't. Wait.
July 31:
No change yet. There is good news though. I went to my endocrinologist on June 29. I have my blood drawn once a year to test my prolactin levels. With the pill, the prolactin levels were always normal, which was good. However, I stopped my pill back in late February/early March, so I was really unsure about how the levels would look this year. They were normal!! This is happy news. Things are looking good!
October 29:
Pure Joy. Eight days ago, Aaron and I found out we were going to have a baby! My trip to the doctor is scheduled for November 8. I praise God daily for this wonderful gift, and pray daily that when we go to the doctor, we will hear good news about Baby A. I'm calling this baby Baby A. Aaron is calling the baby Monster. My name is better.
